This Life Sucks...

The fox looks up from/
the bottom of the well. She/
sees the sides are high

her claws ragged and/
broken from trying so hard/
she only wants out


I am so tired. i haven't slept well in days. When i do sleep i dream vivid, unhappy dreams. When I'm awake, i have to push myself to get even the smallest tasks done.

I feel so useless. i am tired of being sick. I am tired of being poor. i am tired of not being able to get a job. there are no jobs. The jobs that are, i can't do, because they will make me more sick. Catch-22...

I have Celiac disease. For those of you who don't know, that means i cannot digest anything with wheat, barley, rye or oats in it. There is a gluten protien strand in these grains that shuts down my digestive system. so no cake, no cookies, no sandwiches, NO fast food of any kind. Plus, no soy sauce, no modified food starch, no grain distilled drinks. No pizza. No brownies. no. no. NO!

If i even eat something that has been cooked on the same pan or fried in the same grease, it will make me horribly, violently SICK. I will start hurting within an hour; headaches, nausea and upset stomach doesn't even begin to describe the pain I endure for the next 24-72 hours after eating or even breathing in any kind of gluten. Horrible, Stabbing knifing pains.Let's leave the description vague. Let's just say me and la toilete are wonderfully close friends...and the worse part? There is no cure,it's genetic, and most of the medicines persribed to help the pain are MODIFIED FOOD STARCH BASED! Can you say STUPID?

On top of my Celiac disease, I also have IBS, (Irritable bowel syndrome) so you never know just what food might set that one off, and GERD (Gastro-Esophagial Reflux Disease)so the acid in my stomach may decide to take a different route "out" than normal whenever the mood takes it.

And on top of that I get migranes and pressure headaches. Migranes are self explanitory, pressure headaches have to do with weather front moving in our direction. It feels like the entire sky is on my head. I'm not talking about an "ow, my head hurts a little" headache. I'm talking about a "just beat me senseless, so I won't feel the pain anymore" headaches.

And on top of THAT I have an anxiety/stress disorder. That basically means I am constantly fighting both rational and irrational anxieties, from 'where are we going to get the money to pay next month's bills' to "I can't answer that phone! i might have to TALK to someone!' to'I think all the people in the store are watching every move I make and laughing up their sleeves at me!'

I honestly cannot handle being in a large store (like Walmart or Best Buy) for more than an hour, two at the most, because all the noise of people talking, kids crying, and machines beeping will make me freak out. And when I say freak out, boy do I mean FREAK OUT!!!

So, I'm writing all this out to tell you, my nonexistant audience, why? Basically I'm tired of laying in bed, wishing I was gone from here. Not dead. Just somewhere far away from all the stress. I have no one to vent to. I really don't have friends. I guess I'm not much of a people person, unless i'm typing to them. ha.

See, since I have all these problems, and can't get a job, my poor bear has to support us by himself. $500 a week is not much to live off of. This place we live doesn't have a better opportunity for him. He is stuck where he is, and his boss knows it. So no raise for years. This doesn't not make for a happy Bear.

We can't move, because we live with my grandmother, who needs us here. And just WHERE could we move, with no money to move with?

So I have been feeling more and more useless as my kids have grown up. All I do is wash clothes, clean house, lather rinse repeat...and to top it off, the pressure of his job and no extra $ (which we maybe would have if I could get a job that wouldn't fire me for having more sick days than work days) has stressed my Bear out to the point where he is starting to accuse me of being "unequally balanced" with him, that he is doing all the work, and i am doing nothing, that I do things "half-assed", that I don't care about us, that I am not trying hard enough to help, and that I am setting a bad example for the kids, and that basically i am useless. I KNOW that he doesn't mean that. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. AND what do you think that does to my anxiety level? And what does THAT do to my poor digestive tract? Catch-22, catch-22..

So what CAN i do?  I can sew, I design costumes, and when I can, I try to make them. I can draw fairly well, but living with an 89 year old grandmother who is also an artist doesn't make for a very creative atmosphere. And there just aren't that many opportunities in the costuming department...

Obviously I can write, but writing doesn't pay quickly or well until your'e established. I can sing, but I would be so nervous to get up in front of someone to sing, that, well, I'd puke or pass out. Or both.

I am planning to go back to college (again) to get a CNA licsense, so that when my grandmother truly needs care I can at least get paid for that.

I'm glad i can talk to some of you monsters on twitter. it helps a little to know i am at least giving encouragement to someone, helping someone! Sometimes, though, I want to yell and scream to some of those kids "Oh My God, you think it's so bad you have to go to school, or your mom won't let you do this or your dad won't stop talking at you! Try living MY shitty life! Try not eating anything without it RUNNING through your body! Try living with a big growly bear who's job is shit and whose boss is paying slave wages to because he knows there isn't anywhere else to go! Try living with an extreme southern baptist 89 year old stubborn as hell grandma who still sees you as a little kid, and who will only ever take advice from a man! Try having two kids(who ARE great, BTW) who you can't buy new clothes for, and have to take them to fucking Goodwill to get them clothes for school! Try laying in bed at night, at 4 am crying, because your husband vented all his frustrations out by telling YOU how useless you are and how you don't contribute to the family. Try having your access to any money at all taken away because some Bear is afraid you'll spend what little we have on "junk". Try being told to stay out of the way when some BEAR is talking and to not interupt, and oh yeah, why the hell did you do that anyway, it was so fucking stupid!

I'd run away, if I knew where to go. And I'd never leave my kids anyway.

I almost wish we were on a deserted island, so we could just eat monkeys and coconuts and wear grass skirts and not give a fuck about money anymore. Except I've been watching 'Lost' lately so i'm kind of put out on the island idea...

Yes, I still have my sense of humor. I'd hock it if it were worth anything...