The fox looks up from/
the bottom of the well. She/
sees the sides are high
her claws ragged and/
broken from trying so hard/
she only wants out
I am so tired. i haven't slept well in days. When i do sleep i dream vivid, unhappy dreams. When I'm awake, i have to push myself to get even the smallest tasks done.
I feel so useless. i am tired of being sick. I am tired of being poor. i am tired of not being able to get a job. there are no jobs. The jobs that are, i can't do, because they will make me more sick. Catch-22...
I have Celiac disease. For those of you who don't know, that means i cannot digest anything with wheat, barley, rye or oats in it. There is a gluten protien strand in these grains that shuts down my digestive system. so no cake, no cookies, no sandwiches, NO fast food of any kind. Plus, no soy sauce, no modified food starch, no grain distilled drinks. No pizza. No brownies. no. no. NO!
If i even eat something that has been cooked on the same pan or fried in the same grease, it will make me horribly, violently SICK. I will start hurting within an hour; headaches, nausea and upset stomach doesn't even begin to describe the pain I endure for the next 24-72 hours after eating or even breathing in any kind of gluten. Horrible, Stabbing knifing pains.Let's leave the description vague. Let's just say me and la toilete are wonderfully close friends...and the worse part? There is no cure,it's genetic, and most of the medicines persribed to help the pain are MODIFIED FOOD STARCH BASED! Can you say STUPID?
On top of my Celiac disease, I also have IBS, (Irritable bowel syndrome) so you never know just what food might set that one off, and GERD (Gastro-Esophagial Reflux Disease)so the acid in my stomach may decide to take a different route "out" than normal whenever the mood takes it.
And on top of that I get migranes and pressure headaches. Migranes are self explanitory, pressure headaches have to do with weather front moving in our direction. It feels like the entire sky is on my head. I'm not talking about an "ow, my head hurts a little" headache. I'm talking about a "just beat me senseless, so I won't feel the pain anymore" headaches.
And on top of THAT I have an anxiety/stress disorder. That basically means I am constantly fighting both rational and irrational anxieties, from 'where are we going to get the money to pay next month's bills' to "I can't answer that phone! i might have to TALK to someone!' to'I think all the people in the store are watching every move I make and laughing up their sleeves at me!'
I honestly cannot handle being in a large store (like Walmart or Best Buy) for more than an hour, two at the most, because all the noise of people talking, kids crying, and machines beeping will make me freak out. And when I say freak out, boy do I mean FREAK OUT!!!
So, I'm writing all this out to tell you, my nonexistant audience, why? Basically I'm tired of laying in bed, wishing I was gone from here. Not dead. Just somewhere far away from all the stress. I have no one to vent to. I really don't have friends. I guess I'm not much of a people person, unless i'm typing to them. ha.
See, since I have all these problems, and can't get a job, my poor bear has to support us by himself. $500 a week is not much to live off of. This place we live doesn't have a better opportunity for him. He is stuck where he is, and his boss knows it. So no raise for years. This doesn't not make for a happy Bear.
We can't move, because we live with my grandmother, who needs us here. And just WHERE could we move, with no money to move with?
So I have been feeling more and more useless as my kids have grown up. All I do is wash clothes, clean house, lather rinse repeat...and to top it off, the pressure of his job and no extra $ (which we maybe would have if I could get a job that wouldn't fire me for having more sick days than work days) has stressed my Bear out to the point where he is starting to accuse me of being "unequally balanced" with him, that he is doing all the work, and i am doing nothing, that I do things "half-assed", that I don't care about us, that I am not trying hard enough to help, and that I am setting a bad example for the kids, and that basically i am useless. I KNOW that he doesn't mean that. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. AND what do you think that does to my anxiety level? And what does THAT do to my poor digestive tract? Catch-22, catch-22..
So what CAN i do? I can sew, I design costumes, and when I can, I try to make them. I can draw fairly well, but living with an 89 year old grandmother who is also an artist doesn't make for a very creative atmosphere. And there just aren't that many opportunities in the costuming department...
Obviously I can write, but writing doesn't pay quickly or well until your'e established. I can sing, but I would be so nervous to get up in front of someone to sing, that, well, I'd puke or pass out. Or both.
I am planning to go back to college (again) to get a CNA licsense, so that when my grandmother truly needs care I can at least get paid for that.
I'm glad i can talk to some of you monsters on twitter. it helps a little to know i am at least giving encouragement to someone, helping someone! Sometimes, though, I want to yell and scream to some of those kids "Oh My God, you think it's so bad you have to go to school, or your mom won't let you do this or your dad won't stop talking at you! Try living MY shitty life! Try not eating anything without it RUNNING through your body! Try living with a big growly bear who's job is shit and whose boss is paying slave wages to because he knows there isn't anywhere else to go! Try living with an extreme southern baptist 89 year old stubborn as hell grandma who still sees you as a little kid, and who will only ever take advice from a man! Try having two kids(who ARE great, BTW) who you can't buy new clothes for, and have to take them to fucking Goodwill to get them clothes for school! Try laying in bed at night, at 4 am crying, because your husband vented all his frustrations out by telling YOU how useless you are and how you don't contribute to the family. Try having your access to any money at all taken away because some Bear is afraid you'll spend what little we have on "junk". Try being told to stay out of the way when some BEAR is talking and to not interupt, and oh yeah, why the hell did you do that anyway, it was so fucking stupid!
I'd run away, if I knew where to go. And I'd never leave my kids anyway.
I almost wish we were on a deserted island, so we could just eat monkeys and coconuts and wear grass skirts and not give a fuck about money anymore. Except I've been watching 'Lost' lately so i'm kind of put out on the island idea...
Yes, I still have my sense of humor. I'd hock it if it were worth anything...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Painful past mistake...
Foxgirl's brain has stopped/
she wanted to write something/
diff.er.ent from this/
but getting followed/
by Luc Carl has made her/
thoughts tie up in knots...
And who knows if anyone will read this anyway...
I was reading Luc's blog about learning from mistakes. See, I have one major problem( well, two) with Luc. No OFFENSE Luc, if you read this!!!
1. He gets to be Our Queen Mother Monster's consort, and I'm jealous! I wanna!!! ;-)
Ok, really the only thing that bothers me about Luc, is that he reminds me so much of my big mistake,(name withheld) he looked like Luc, was a rocker like him, and I was a lonely little 17 year old glam goth...
Unfortunately for me, this guy was also a big time alcoholic. Now I don't care if people drink, but when your'e a mean drunk you should keep your fists to yourself! I won't go into the sordid details. Long story short I endured two years of abuse; physical, mental & spiritual.
Somewhere during that time, I had my son. This guy never would claim him, and I can't even say he was anything other than a biological donor, since sex with him had become more rape than anything.
By the time my son was 1 1/2, the situation took an even worse turn. This guy started threatening to "kill that brat". I had been protecting my son from him, mostly by keeping him with me 24/7, sleeping in the floor by his crib, etc. But now I found myself standing over this guy while he was sleeping with a cast iron frying pan in my hands, about to brain him.
Luckily, sanity returned in time, and I realized that this jerk wasn't worth going to jail for. I started looking for a way out. Before, when he would beat me, if I tried to call the police, he would rip the phone lines out of the walls.(this is before cell phones, peeps!) Hard and scary as it was, I waited until he left to go out. I can remember this so clearly, even today. The Jerk hit me with a crumpled Dr. Pepper can. The sharp edges cut my forehead, and blood started gushing. I "think" that might have freaked the jerk out a little, he hurt me a lot, but had never made me bleed before. He slunk out. I cried.
My sweet little baby boy saw the whole thing. He toddled over to me and gave me his frozen teething ring for my head, and held my hand. *BAM* like lightening I knew this was IT. I bolted the door, and shoved the couch in front of it. Then I FINALLY was able to call the cops. Thank heaven for steel doors and heavy furniture! The jerk was trying to bash the door in when the cops showed up. They took my statement, then asked if I wanted to press charges. Knowing the jerk like I did, I thought for a minute, then said "if I never see you again, and you stay away from me and my son, I won't press charges, and I will NEVER ask you for any money." He hasn't showed up since then!
It has been 15 years since this happened. My son is now 16, and like I said before (in my first post) he is a musical genious, and a sweet, smart young man.
I have found my soulmate since then and we have a wonderful daughter (13). My Bear has always treated my son like his own child. My son knows that he has a different biological parent, but he has only ONE father. Your family is who loves you and raises you, NOT who donated the genetic material for you!
So, Luc, I apologize for the thoughts I had about you ( I won't type them, they were just jealous thoughts anyway!). It is not your fault you look like some Jerk I once knew. I wish you all the best, and I hope you are a good guy to Gaga.
Please, just remember, that no matter how much you love her, she is the Queen Monster to all of us freaks, and we need her as much as you do! We'll share if you will, but please don't ever make her abdictate her throne!
Foxgirl lopes offstage/
the shadows and wind cover/
the sound of her tears
Painful memories/
never really leave your mind/
abuse hurts for years...
she wanted to write something/
diff.er.ent from this/
but getting followed/
by Luc Carl has made her/
thoughts tie up in knots...
And who knows if anyone will read this anyway...
I was reading Luc's blog about learning from mistakes. See, I have one major problem( well, two) with Luc. No OFFENSE Luc, if you read this!!!
1. He gets to be Our Queen Mother Monster's consort, and I'm jealous! I wanna!!! ;-)
Ok, really the only thing that bothers me about Luc, is that he reminds me so much of my big mistake,(name withheld) he looked like Luc, was a rocker like him, and I was a lonely little 17 year old glam goth...
Unfortunately for me, this guy was also a big time alcoholic. Now I don't care if people drink, but when your'e a mean drunk you should keep your fists to yourself! I won't go into the sordid details. Long story short I endured two years of abuse; physical, mental & spiritual.
Somewhere during that time, I had my son. This guy never would claim him, and I can't even say he was anything other than a biological donor, since sex with him had become more rape than anything.
By the time my son was 1 1/2, the situation took an even worse turn. This guy started threatening to "kill that brat". I had been protecting my son from him, mostly by keeping him with me 24/7, sleeping in the floor by his crib, etc. But now I found myself standing over this guy while he was sleeping with a cast iron frying pan in my hands, about to brain him.
Luckily, sanity returned in time, and I realized that this jerk wasn't worth going to jail for. I started looking for a way out. Before, when he would beat me, if I tried to call the police, he would rip the phone lines out of the walls.(this is before cell phones, peeps!) Hard and scary as it was, I waited until he left to go out. I can remember this so clearly, even today. The Jerk hit me with a crumpled Dr. Pepper can. The sharp edges cut my forehead, and blood started gushing. I "think" that might have freaked the jerk out a little, he hurt me a lot, but had never made me bleed before. He slunk out. I cried.
My sweet little baby boy saw the whole thing. He toddled over to me and gave me his frozen teething ring for my head, and held my hand. *BAM* like lightening I knew this was IT. I bolted the door, and shoved the couch in front of it. Then I FINALLY was able to call the cops. Thank heaven for steel doors and heavy furniture! The jerk was trying to bash the door in when the cops showed up. They took my statement, then asked if I wanted to press charges. Knowing the jerk like I did, I thought for a minute, then said "if I never see you again, and you stay away from me and my son, I won't press charges, and I will NEVER ask you for any money." He hasn't showed up since then!
It has been 15 years since this happened. My son is now 16, and like I said before (in my first post) he is a musical genious, and a sweet, smart young man.
I have found my soulmate since then and we have a wonderful daughter (13). My Bear has always treated my son like his own child. My son knows that he has a different biological parent, but he has only ONE father. Your family is who loves you and raises you, NOT who donated the genetic material for you!
So, Luc, I apologize for the thoughts I had about you ( I won't type them, they were just jealous thoughts anyway!). It is not your fault you look like some Jerk I once knew. I wish you all the best, and I hope you are a good guy to Gaga.
Please, just remember, that no matter how much you love her, she is the Queen Monster to all of us freaks, and we need her as much as you do! We'll share if you will, but please don't ever make her abdictate her throne!
Foxgirl lopes offstage/
the shadows and wind cover/
the sound of her tears
Painful memories/
never really leave your mind/
abuse hurts for years...
Friday, August 20, 2010
My First Foray...
Fox waits in stillness/
for thoughts to arrive, silk wrapped/
in darkness and light...
She talks to herself/
knowing that she is having/
intelligent chat.
Fox wonders why her/
thoughts flee like moonbeams through claws/
when she wants to write...
Then reappear late/
to haunt her. Eyes wide open/
from twilight to dawn.
Lady Kitsune: Mythological Monster Fox hiding in my head…
Want to know what I look like? Well, I won’t show you an actual picture of me, for reasons I’ll get into later.
Imagine this girl here (yeah, you know who it is!) in ten years (if she stays out of that disgusting sunlight!)
Yes, I know it’s Gaga! I KNOW it’s not me. You will just have to use our imagination, because I am not showing you a real pic of me.
Reason 1: The rural southeastern area in which I live, is a very bigoted, prejudiced town. Now I am not saying all the people are bad, but the ones that are, swim at the shallow end of the gene pool and hate any change or difference in society, at both the micro and macro level. I do not want pitchfork carrying goons showing up at my door, or harassing my kids.
BUT I AM A LADY GAGA LOVER AND PROUD OF IT!
I BELIEVE IN FREEDOM AND EQUALITY FOR ALL PEOPLE! No one should be treated badly for their race, beliefs, or lifestyle decisions. Women are just as good as men, albeit for different reasons. That is what creates the balance, the yin and yang of souls, whatever body they inhabit. I believe that we are all the same color under our skin, that God (by whatever name you may choose to call him/her/IT) cannot be quantified or measured by our puny human standards. Therefore we should not judge whom God chose to talk to. And we humans should look at the overall message of any religion: DO GOOD TO OTHERS. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. Love your fellow humans. AND THEN, we humans should realize that time to GOD cannot be measured by human standards. AND THEN, we should realize that as soon as GOD (Or whatever you wish to call it) communicated with humans, they took what he said and added a plethora of things meant to control and subdue their fellow humans. I’m NOT picking on any one religion here; I’m encompassing every religion that man has EVER come up with. There is truth in them all. And then there is a bunch of useless political, social or religious population control in one form or another.
What has this done to our social evolution? In my opinion, it has bred generations of hate for one or another of our fellow human beings. Until we ALL decide that we can overcome the humanity we have added into our belief system, humans will always be finding excuses to tear one another apart.
READ YOUR HISTORY PEOPLE! Hate for each other has been here for 10,000 years, ever since we figured out what the pointy end of the stick could do. Overcome your instincts, and look into your spirit, your soul that each of you have. Does it not feel better to love and to care for others than to hate and hurt and kill? I know that a lot of organized religions teach that (GOD) is love. Well, if our spiritual leaders were here on earth today, all of them, how would they treat homosexuals/transgenders, women, or people of different races or religions? I seriously doubt that Jesus, Mohammad, Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Shiva would team up to beat the snot out of them! For goodness sake, people please!
REASON 2: (you forgot I had another, right?) *grins*
I like my privacy. I don’t want people reading my thoughts here, just because they are crushing on me or some weird thing like that. So, no pics of me unless I am in costume.
Ok, I will be nice for a little while before I stop. I am the coolest mom ever. I love my kids, they are so awesome and total geniuses. I have a boy and a girl, both in their teens. My son (16) is a computer whiz and excellent musician; taught himself how to tune and play the guitar, and can pick up and play most instruments instantly. He plays piano by ear. My daughter (13) is a fantastic artist for her age. One day I may show you some of her art. But no pics of them either right now!
I am also blessed to have met my soul mate, my Bear. He is my inspiration and my insanity, the love of my life and the pain in my ass! I will never love again after him, both because no man could top him, and because I don’t think I want to deal with another male ego to pet and baby. I love him dearly, we’ve been together a long time. He is a Gaga monster as well. In fact, I will admit that he was a fan before I was. He liked “Just Dance” before I did, and he was utterly fascinated by her at the 2009 VMA’s. At first I was a little jealous, but once he showed me, (and the kids and everyone else in my immediate family) stills of her during that performance, and other pictures of her everyone said that he wasn’t nuts, and that she did indeed look similar to me. (sans the blood). I still don’t always see it. I think it is sweet of him to say it though. I am his Monster and he is mine and we are both Gaga’s.
And of course, being the average male Bear that he is, he would love to get her and me (and him!) together. ;) Oh, disco HEAVEN! I loved showing him the pics of our Lady at Gagapalooza this year!
Well, it’s about time for me to stop. I will write again. My catharsis is yet to be completed…
Kitsune Lady/
Back to fox in the blink of/
Golden glowing eyes.
Trots off into dark/
Her thoughts always deeper than/
The sea of spirits…
for thoughts to arrive, silk wrapped/
in darkness and light...
She talks to herself/
knowing that she is having/
intelligent chat.
Fox wonders why her/
thoughts flee like moonbeams through claws/
when she wants to write...
Then reappear late/
to haunt her. Eyes wide open/
from twilight to dawn.
Lady Kitsune: Mythological Monster Fox hiding in my head…
Want to know what I look like? Well, I won’t show you an actual picture of me, for reasons I’ll get into later.
Imagine this girl here (yeah, you know who it is!) in ten years (if she stays out of that disgusting sunlight!)
Yes, I know it’s Gaga! I KNOW it’s not me. You will just have to use our imagination, because I am not showing you a real pic of me.
Reason 1: The rural southeastern area in which I live, is a very bigoted, prejudiced town. Now I am not saying all the people are bad, but the ones that are, swim at the shallow end of the gene pool and hate any change or difference in society, at both the micro and macro level. I do not want pitchfork carrying goons showing up at my door, or harassing my kids.
BUT I AM A LADY GAGA LOVER AND PROUD OF IT!
I BELIEVE IN FREEDOM AND EQUALITY FOR ALL PEOPLE! No one should be treated badly for their race, beliefs, or lifestyle decisions. Women are just as good as men, albeit for different reasons. That is what creates the balance, the yin and yang of souls, whatever body they inhabit. I believe that we are all the same color under our skin, that God (by whatever name you may choose to call him/her/IT) cannot be quantified or measured by our puny human standards. Therefore we should not judge whom God chose to talk to. And we humans should look at the overall message of any religion: DO GOOD TO OTHERS. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. Love your fellow humans. AND THEN, we humans should realize that time to GOD cannot be measured by human standards. AND THEN, we should realize that as soon as GOD (Or whatever you wish to call it) communicated with humans, they took what he said and added a plethora of things meant to control and subdue their fellow humans. I’m NOT picking on any one religion here; I’m encompassing every religion that man has EVER come up with. There is truth in them all. And then there is a bunch of useless political, social or religious population control in one form or another.
What has this done to our social evolution? In my opinion, it has bred generations of hate for one or another of our fellow human beings. Until we ALL decide that we can overcome the humanity we have added into our belief system, humans will always be finding excuses to tear one another apart.
READ YOUR HISTORY PEOPLE! Hate for each other has been here for 10,000 years, ever since we figured out what the pointy end of the stick could do. Overcome your instincts, and look into your spirit, your soul that each of you have. Does it not feel better to love and to care for others than to hate and hurt and kill? I know that a lot of organized religions teach that (GOD) is love. Well, if our spiritual leaders were here on earth today, all of them, how would they treat homosexuals/transgenders, women, or people of different races or religions? I seriously doubt that Jesus, Mohammad, Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Shiva would team up to beat the snot out of them! For goodness sake, people please!
REASON 2: (you forgot I had another, right?) *grins*
I like my privacy. I don’t want people reading my thoughts here, just because they are crushing on me or some weird thing like that. So, no pics of me unless I am in costume.
Ok, I will be nice for a little while before I stop. I am the coolest mom ever. I love my kids, they are so awesome and total geniuses. I have a boy and a girl, both in their teens. My son (16) is a computer whiz and excellent musician; taught himself how to tune and play the guitar, and can pick up and play most instruments instantly. He plays piano by ear. My daughter (13) is a fantastic artist for her age. One day I may show you some of her art. But no pics of them either right now!
I am also blessed to have met my soul mate, my Bear. He is my inspiration and my insanity, the love of my life and the pain in my ass! I will never love again after him, both because no man could top him, and because I don’t think I want to deal with another male ego to pet and baby. I love him dearly, we’ve been together a long time. He is a Gaga monster as well. In fact, I will admit that he was a fan before I was. He liked “Just Dance” before I did, and he was utterly fascinated by her at the 2009 VMA’s. At first I was a little jealous, but once he showed me, (and the kids and everyone else in my immediate family) stills of her during that performance, and other pictures of her everyone said that he wasn’t nuts, and that she did indeed look similar to me. (sans the blood). I still don’t always see it. I think it is sweet of him to say it though. I am his Monster and he is mine and we are both Gaga’s.
And of course, being the average male Bear that he is, he would love to get her and me (and him!) together. ;) Oh, disco HEAVEN! I loved showing him the pics of our Lady at Gagapalooza this year!
Well, it’s about time for me to stop. I will write again. My catharsis is yet to be completed…
Kitsune Lady/
Back to fox in the blink of/
Golden glowing eyes.
Trots off into dark/
Her thoughts always deeper than/
The sea of spirits…
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